In today’s post I’m going to get a bit preachy. I feel like these are such important things to take note of, that I really can’t say it any other way. If you’ve ever been a wedding guest, I’m talking to you. Honestly, this post isn’t about making MY job easier (although certainly if you follow all these rules, you will). Instead, it’s about being a great guest to the people who are getting married. That’s right – your friends or family members. The ones who love you enough to invite to share in their special day. So listen up!
So you’re invited to a wedding… Hooray!
Do yourself – and your friend or family member who is getting married – a favor, and read this list first. Trust me, you want to be a great wedding guest. Not “that” wedding guest. Right?
Weddings are expensive, time-consuming affairs to plan. The couple has requested that you attend and wants you there. But if you don’t ever let them know whether or not you’ll be coming, how are they to plan for your dinner? How will they know to save you a seat and a piece of cake? It’s a simple process – check the box, perhaps write in your name and select your meal choice. Just do it. Before the RSVP-by date. Don’t forget. Many couples even give you the option to RSVP online (some don’t even send paper response cards anymore). You know, you can visit their website before your daily dose of Farmville…
Don’t forget, too, to be a thoughtful guest when RSVPing. Inevitably at every wedding there will be one RSVP card without a name written in, that the couple has to track down. There will always be one guest who asks to bring someone additional, who wasn’t invited (A tip: if you weren’t sent an invitation that says “You and Guest,” that means that the couple probably doesn’t have the space or the budget to invite you with a guest, but they still want you there… I know it can be a drag to not know anyone at a wedding, but it can also be an opportunity to meet new people!). There will always be someone who writes in their request for a chicken dinner when the choices are beef, fish, or vegetarian. At weddings where no children are invited, there will always be an irate family member who calls to complain. But just say no. Don’t be that guest. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t bring up legitimate concerns to the couple (such as allergies or major childcare issues) but don’t presume, don’t bother, and always check over your RSVP to make sure it makes sense.
Whatever you do, don’t forget this crucial step in being a wedding guest. Don’t make the couple call you to see whether you’ll be in attendance. Don’t make them wonder if you’ll randomly show up that day. And don’t just show up without telling them. They, after all, have lots of other things on their plates. Like getting married.
Arrive on time. Or better yet, a little bit early.
So you’ve never been to a wedding that started right when it was supposed to. So you hate waiting. So the wedding is outside in blazing sun on the hottest day of the year and you’ve been asked to drape yourself in black to fit in with the bride’s color scheme.
If you are a guest at a wedding, getting there any later than the time listed on the invitation is inconsiderate. And just plain rude. Aside from the fact that you might miss the couple walking up the aisle, you also might hold up the wedding (I coordinated a wedding once where less than half the guests were seated, ready to go, by ten minutes after our start time… and the bride decided to wait another twenty minutes until most – not all – of them finally arrived! And at another wedding, we had an unavoidable delay due to a bridesmaid getting stuck in traffic, and started twenty minutes late. I sent the bride up the aisle and had eight guests waiting behind her to walk in!)
Obviously, traffic and delays happen. I once had a dress zipper break – and then the dress get stuck halfway over my head – when I was on my way to (attend) a wedding. Yup. I missed the bride walking up the aisle. It happens to all of us. Which is why I actually aim to get there a little early - and always suggest that to all guests. But that doesn’t explain everything. In fact, I know a lot of people simply don’t ever get to weddings on time. I hear it every time I am in charge of a wedding and a guest gets there after it starts. Life happens. We all have those days. But if you on-purpose plan on getting there late… Or simply on-purpose don’t give yourself enough time to get there reasonably… Just STOP it!
Don’t forget to sign the guestbook. And your card.
Every couple loves getting to see messages from their guests in their guestbook. That’s why they’re so popular. So if there’s a guestbook (or a wishing tree, or an art project), participate! It’s just sad to see a guestbook with only a few signatures in it… Especially when it’s been sitting right there all night for you to sign.
And don’t forget to sign your card too. The couple will want to send you a thank you. Even if they don’t – they’ll still like to know who got them this beautiful toaster! Oh – and on that note, please for the love of Pete, don’t just buy something for them that YOU like. Use the registry. Or a give a gift card. Or money. The couple will love you forever.
If the officiant asks for quiet, be quiet. If the DJ asks all the single ladies to come out on the dance floor and you qualify, the bride wants you on that dance floor! If you’re supposed to be seated at Table 3, don’t sit down at Table 5, no matter how many of your friends are there. I promise, there’s a reason you’ve been asked to do all these things.
And – this is a personal request – if the coordinator is dismissing tables for dinner, don’t just go ahead and hop in that buffet line. Aside from it being (again) totally rude, you’re also creating chaos. Sure, it might just be you. Then again it might be you and every other guest at said wedding. Which creates a super-long line and lots of grumbling. Both by the people who are patiently waiting at their seats to be dismissed, and those who are now at your table watching you eat. And then people get mad at me. There’s actually a method to dismissing people, even if you can’t see it. The coordinator – um, ME! – will be paying attention to the length and speed of the line, and I promise you’ll get dismissed as soon as you’re able to.
Look, someone has to be last. Someone has to come to the dance floor for the bouquet toss. Someone has to sit at Table 5. I’m sorry if it’s you and you’re not happy, but I promise it’ll go more smoothly if you just pay attention.
Don’t bother the couple!!!
This goes for the entire day. From the moment that couple gets up in the morning until the moment their wedding reception is over… Just do your best to be considerate of them. Don’t call or text them asking for directions or what you need to wear to the wedding. Don’t interrupt their picture taking (it’s probably been scheduled to the minute and believe it or not you might be the difference between their being able to take all their photos and not!). Don’t come up to them and ask to take their photo while they’re eating. No, seriously. Don’t do it. I once had to have the DJ make an announcement to let the bride and groom eat because people were literally lining up to take their photo while their food was on their plates. The guests sat down for a few minutes and then kept hopping up to talk to the couple, who were desperately in need of food (getting married is exhausting stuff!); I finally had to stand next to their sweetheart table and tell people to come back later. Over and over again.
The couple may be the center of attention, but to be a great guest, let them enjoy their day. Don’t bring them undue stress, take their time away from what they’re supposed to be doing (eating is absolutely essential!!!), or expect them to be able to answer your phone call while they’re getting ready. Call another friend – or a relative of the couple if you must. Wait until they aren’t busy and can give you their full attention. And let them eat!!!!
Don’t ding your glass.
Okay… It’s cute for the first three or four times. And most couples are good sports. After all, kissing your new spouse is great fun. But along the same vein as the last point… Just let them eat already!
Don’t make a mess.
Seriously, after certain weddings I feel like someone’s mom. I go around, picking up water bottles and candy wrappers (Seriously… Don’t throw these behind the candy buffet… Haven’t you heard of a trash can?). I find balled-up napkins in the strangest places, and usually wipe down sinks covered in water. At a venue like a hotel, this is bad enough – they have a full-time janitorial staff who will scrub down the reception area to make sure it’s ready for the next couple. But if you’re a guest at a backyard wedding, the janitorial staff is the homeowner and (sometimes) the wedding vendors.
This goes, too, for not breaking things. At Emma + Chris’ wedding, an overly-enthusiastic guest was trying to get water to flow faster from my glass dispenser and tipped it and shook it vigorously. The bartender told me the story afterward that the guest simply was too fast for him to stop – and the large, heavy top to my dispenser went tumbling. The bartender had to dump all the water in the dispenser in addition to cleaning the bar and the floor, because sherds of glass went everywhere. Oh yes, and my dispenser sat for the rest of the night with a cocktail plate on top of it, which looked, frankly, terrible. Functional but ugly. Wedding vendors get it – we don’t bring anything to a wedding that we aren’t aware could potentially return broken or lost – but it’s still tough to see all that extra work, not to mention the expense of replacing an item just because a guest wasn’t being thoughtful.
With this story goes one more… And it’s too disgusting to go into too much detail. Let me just delicately say… At a backyard wedding I worked, an extremely drunk guest evidently decided that he needed to use the urinal in the rental bathroom trailer for more than its intended purpose. And then decided to “redecorate” the room. Let me reiterate: this is unacceptably repulsive behavior in any venue. But at a backyard wedding, who do you think will be cleaning it up? I guess this dovetails with my next point, though, which is…
Don’t get too drunk!
One of my brides asked me recently, “Isn’t there always that one couple at every wedding who gets too drunk?”
Sadly, yes, there usually is.
That doesn’t mean that you should be that couple. In fact, that couple doesn’t need to exist at every wedding. Drunk guests cause the most chaos at weddings – from stepping on the bride’s bustled train and tearing the buttons off to throwing up (never in the toilet or the trash can; it’s always in front of the bar or in the middle of the bathroom!) to grabbing the mic and making embarrassing toasts to starting fights… There is no reason for you to drink enough that you won’t remember the wedding the next day. Or that you’ll think it’s okay to leave “presents” for your hosts (see above). Save that behavior for the frat party!
(And yes, the photos above and below demonstrate that you CAN have an immensely good time without being wasted!)
Don’t Overstay Your Welcome
This is especially easy to do at a backyard wedding, where no venue staff is there to kick you out at 10:01. But as a guest at a wedding, please don’t be that person who lingers forever. The couple wants to go back to their room. The vendors – often having worked a ten, twelve, or fourteen hour day – want to clean up and go home. The hosts want to be able to get some sleep. Once the DJ plays that last song, hug your friends, clean up your area, and head for the exit. If you absolutely, positively must keep the party going on longer, gather a group of your friends and plan to meet at a bar or club, or someone’s house nearby. Just remember to have a designated driver!
Photos by We Heart Photography, FlutterGlass Photography, Jason Almazan Photography, Bryan N. Miller Photography, and Chaz Cruz Photography